I don't even know where to begin on this post. I have killed myself. Not the whole of myself, but a large portion. It wasn't a good side of myself, and I knew it.

"Just do it. You know you need to."
"You don't know what you're asking me to do."
"Look at what it is doing to you."
"I'm scared."

But I did it anyway. I took control. I killed a part of myself. I've known this part for a while. Almost 10 years. It had become my best friend and my worst enemy. It pushed me to do things I never thought I would ever do. It gave me strength and made me weak. It possessed my thoughts almost the entire time I was awake. And sometimes in my dreams. I took a huge step toward recovery from anorexia.

::I was on the phone with my friend on Friday night. We are sitting there talking like always and out of nowhere my heart starts hurting. Every beat was pain. It was also very rapid. He knew I had been taking diet pills for a while and started commenting on that. I was angry that he even brought it up. He kept on about how I need to just throw them all out. I was floored. It wasn't the first time he had said that. However it was the first time I really thought about doing it.
::I sat there for a while. He was still talking, but I had zoned out for the most part. I just thought about how people would react to it. I knew one other friend would be ecstatic. One would be furious. One would be hurt. One would be this, another would be that. I thought about how I would tell others who knew about my taking diet pills.
:The it hit me. Why should I care about what they would say? This is my life. Why should I let someone else determine it? And for that matter, why should I let these pills control me? I got angry. I was angry that I had let something start controlling me. I kept telling myself that I chose to take them, that I chose when to take them, which ones to take, ect. It really hit me on Friday that I wasn't in control anymore. I heard people tell me that, but I never wanted to believe them. So I didn't.
::So I got up, still on the phone with my friend, tears running down my face. I went to my room. I opened the closet door. I pulled out the pills. I sat them on my bed in front of me. I just looked at them. I heard a voice in my head screaming. No, two voices.
"What are you waiting for? Just do it!"
"What do you think you are doing? Don't listen to him! You can still take them!"
"Look at what you have become. Is this really what you want?"
"You are so in control. Look at what you have accomplished. You're beautiful."
"You are so thin. You have a problem. Deal with it."
"It would be a waste to just throw them out. You could even sell them. And buy better ones."
"Do you really want someone else to go through this? It's hell."
"It's a good two month supply. Just sell them and get better ones. No one has to know."
"Just throw them out. Flush them. Get rid of them. Get control!"
"You are in control. Just look at the box."
::That's when I looked at the Dexatrim Max2O. On the box. Word for word. "Puts you in control." I laughed. My friend heard me and asked what I was laughing at. I told him and it really hit me. I used to think that taking pills was cheating. I didn't think you deserved to reap the benefits of a smaller pant size if you took pills. The irony of my life was amusing to me.
::So I got a sandwich bag. I put all of the pills in it. Every single one. The laxatives, followed by the Hoodia, then the Fat Burners, the Dexatrim Max2O next. I saved my favorite for last. I picked up the bottle of the Apple Cider Vinegar Diet pills. I took one before almost every meal. I would sneak them around in a bottle originally used for ibuprofen. I loved them. I looked at them in my hand. My friend is still encouraging me to just get rid of them. He keeps restating how I don't need to be a slave to these pills. I sit there for a while just in awe. I thought about how I could just buy more. I knew exactly where the were at the store, how much, ect. I popped open the bottle. I poured them in the bag.
::I felt like a drug dealer. The colors mixed in were beautiful to me, and yet disgusting. I could sit there and name off every one. I knew when to take them, what to take them with, how long they would take to kick in, what I could mix with what...everything. The sandwich bag was full. I was amazed at how much money had went into that. A good 40 or so dollars, I believe. All for pills. All for my "gods".
"Just get it over with. Flush them."
"I can't. I can't do it."
"Yes, you can."
"I can't do it in the house."
"Where do you need to go?"
"I don't know. The lake maybe."
::So at 2 am I get my phone, the sandwich bag full of pills and my keys and I go down the dirt road from my house to the boat dock and fishing pier. I get out of the car and walk to the concrete standing area. All the while, tears coming down my face, my friend in my ear telling me I can do it and my own thoughts racing. It all seemed so surreal at this point. I pull the bag out of my hoodie and just stand there looking into the water. No one is around, save me and my "friends".
::I open the bag and pick out of the the pills. I toss it into the water. I start crying more. I pick out another and toss it. I can't stand it anymore and just dump them all in. I can't control myself and just sob. I have no strength and lean over the railing. A part of me wants to jump in after them. A part of me cries as it meets a watery grave. Another part of me cries happy tears. A part of me is free.